Posts Tagged ‘Letters to myself’

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For two weeks I have been isolated form inconsequential elements of my everyday life, for I escaped, I unplug, switched off and closed the many superficial doors, which must remain open so as to enable my family to survive financially in this modern age of man. 

 

I must have really needed a holiday.

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25th August

.Cake 50th

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I had a great birthday today and received some very individual and symbolic gifts from my immediate family, however the greatest gift I received was these words written by my middle son in his card for me. 

For me these are the simple words of love that were missing from my own distorted childhood, they are priceless and I will treasure them always.

Hi Dad,

Sorry I can’t be with you today but duty calls.  I hope you have a GREAT Day and say hello to the lions from me J

I just want to say how much I love you and appreciate you and for everything, you have done for me.   I speak for all the boy’s by saying you are a GREAT Father (even when you’re angry). 

 You may be turning 50 but at least it is not 51.

So, Happy Birthday and enjoy my present and the zoo!  One more thing before I go, which is that I know if I ever needed advise on anything I could come to you, even when I am in my moody, stressed out, self.  I know I can count on you 100%

 

Anyway, I’ve got to go white water rafting now, so have an amazing day and have lots of fun,

 

See you soon, lots of love

……………..  xxx

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Today, the postman delivered to my home confirmation that the last fragile tread that linked me to my birth family had finally and irrevocably broke.  He did not deliver this news in the form of a traditional curt letter, but rather by the absences of a 50th birthday card upon my doormat.     

A card would only have been from my sister, who I have not seen for the last five years, and who happens to be the only blood relative who might have considered marking this overrated occasion.  However, having last spoken to her on the phone at Christmas, this final parting for us might have occurred any time in the last seven months.

There is now no going back, I am adrift upon the ocean of my own wishes but I am not alone.

I will spend today, my 50th birthday with my beautiful wife and two of my three teenage boys at a local wildlife park and with a little luck; I might not frighten the animals.

 

I expect this post will self-destruct in 23 hours, it is its nature.

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16th June

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A continuation from yesterdays ‘A note to myself’

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I have to question my motives for wanting to expose my children to the darkness of some of my poetry.  What purpose would it serve; parenthood should be about portraying the joys of life, I should protected them even from my own vanity and not to do so would be selfish.   Therefore, I will not be showing them my poetry, although I am going to be less secretive when it comes to my writing in the future.

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15 June

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Tomorrow is Fathers Day, a day for celebrating Fathers.  For me tomorrow will be a day of disclosure, for through my interaction here on WordPress, the encouragement and inspiration I have received from those I have encountered, I have made the decision to print and show my poetry to my three sons, so destroying the  wall of deceit that I myself have constructed and I sit behind when writing.

I know it will not be easy for me, but by posting this note to myself, I am at least recognising what I know must be done.  Moreover, what better day is there for a Father to unveil his secret poetic passion, than on Father’s Day?

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I have pushed myself today and I have left a few comments on other bloggers sites.  For me this was a bold action and  I now  know I must resist the temptation to hide once again in the shadows of self doubt.

I wrote this and posted it as an encouraging note to myself.